Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children With Severe Behaviors
by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post

This book was recommended to me by Art Yuen, Co-Leader of our API-NYC support group, in multiple discussions on our email list. Even though it is written for parents dealing with “severe” behaviors, past traumas, and attachment disorders, I agree with Art’s assessment that it applies to all of us. At the heart of the book is the Stress Model, which says that “all negative behavior arises from an unconscious, fear-based state of stress.” Therefore, “If a child has done or is doing something that you know is not in line with a loving relationship, the child must obviously be coming from a place of stress and fear” (p.10). When children act out, they are experiencing “dysregulation,” defined as “the experience of stress outside of your window of tolerance” (p. 17) and it is my job as a parent to stay calm and help my children feel regulated once again.

This comes so easily when attachment parenting an infant; it is much harder with an older child who hits and kicks when you say that she can’t use all of grandma’s special soap to make “magic bubbles” in the sink. Yet, just as we ascribe positive intent to babies who are crying to get their needs met, rather than viewing an older child as willfully disobedient, we need to view her behavior with compassion, knowing that she is confused and frightened.

Forbes and Post had some interesting things to say about eye contact – they feel it is inappropriate to force it upon a child who is already operating from a place of stress and fear, since it may tip the scales of sensory overload. This is in direct conflict with other “gentle discipline” books that advocate waiting until a child will make eye contact to speak with them. I understand the benefits of eye contact and think it’s optimal for communication. But after reading Beyond Consequences I stopped saying, “I need to see your eyeballs,” and following my daughter’s gaze as she squirmed away from me. Instead, I just stay close, holding or touching her physically (when she seems to want this) and offer my eye contact to her. A significant part of the book addresses the parent needing to work through her own fear that arises when her child is acting out. This really hit home with me. I sometimes have trouble staying calm in the moment when a difficult behavior pattern emerges because of fear: I fear being late for carpool or not being able to get groceries or get dinner ready in time, I fear embarrassment or the judgment of my parents or in-laws, I fear the feeling of being “out of control.” Forbes and Post stress a parent’s need to heal herself before the pathway can open for the child to heal. The explain that when no fear is present, the feeling of wanting to be in control often dissipates. While also working through my own fears (an ongoing process) I began to question whether my older daughter is often dysregulated because of exposure to trauma that I hadn’t realized was affecting her, such as her orthopedic surgery at age two, or even prenatal trauma during the stressful period of prenatal diagnosis. I have to make peace with the fact that I will never know whether her acting out stems from trauma or is simply resides at one end of the “normal” continuum. This would be my only reservation about recommending this book – it is important to remember that there is a wide range of normal “off the wall” 4-year-old behavior (see Your Four Year Old: Wild and Wonderful by the Gesell Institute). My greatest challenge is remain calm and lovingly present in the moment, without fear. Beyond Consequences has helped me to remember that when my daughter is “misbehaving,” she is actually asking for some outside help with self-regulation.

Please note that while I have found Beyond Consequences to be a helpful tool, there is at least one organization on the internet that aims to discredit the work of Forbes and (even more so) Post due to their links with Martha Welch, the progenitor of "holding therapy," which is viewed by some as coercive. I do not practice nor endorse holding or physical containment against the will of a child except as necessary to keep children safe. The "containment" referenced in Beyond Consequences is, in my understanding, emotional containment.