My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage just a little over a week after I celebrated my first positive pregnancy test.  We had been trying to conceive for several months, and the elation of blossoming motherhood gave way to a loss more devastating than I could have anticipated.  When I first saw the bleeding, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole.  I grieved hard, and then began a slow climb back to myself. 

As part of my healing, I wrote "Pro-Life, Pro-Choice, Pro-Healing," an article that explored Judaism’s stance on abortion through the lens of my feelings about my own pregnancy loss. 

           Related Links

~ How to Support a Woman Whose Pregnancy Has Ended

~ A Healing Circle

Under the umbrella of pregnancy loss are several variations on the theme – early miscarriage in the first trimester, second trimester loss, stillbirth late in pregnancy, and the medical termination of a wanted pregnancy.  I recognize that my experience with an early loss is vastly different from that of a friend who experienced a loss in the second trimester.  It is different because of the circumstances surrounding each of our pregnancies, and different simply because we are different people.  Yet there are several common threads that bind us – and our losses – together.  I share what was helpful to me in the hope that even a tiny fraction of it will be helpful to you or someone you know.

Emotional-Spiritual Recovery:  Being Gentle With Yourself

You need support from others, but the only person you can control is yourself. What do you need to do to facilitate your own healing? There is no one-size-fits-all prescription for emotional healing after miscarriage.

Time will soften the pain. The first few days or weeks may be consumed by physical pain, but at some point, you will be in touch with your grief. You may experience numbness, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, or all or none of the above. Letting tears and feelings flow is therapeutic and healthy. Be gentle with yourself as you ride the rollercoaster of feelings. There may be times when you simply cannot make yourself get out of bed, go to work, attend a baby shower, or call a friend with a new baby. That is okay. The others will understand whenever you offer an explanation (if you don't feel like telling them now, simply say that you're sick). You need to take care of you right now.

Talking about your experience, telling your story, and writing about your miscarriage may also have therapeutic value. In my experience, the more I talked about my early miscarriage, the more I heard the stories of other women. Soon, I began to understand that early miscarriage is a normal, natural and common part of a woman's reproductive life.

Artifacts from your experience might be critical to the healing process. If your baby was stillborn, or if your pregnancy had progressed far enough for you to have had an ultrasound, you may have photos that you want to display. Take time to buy a special frame and choose a spot in your home for the photo. Other artifacts might include positive pregnancy tests, fertility awareness charts, blood test results, and journal entries. You might create a "memory box" or scrapbook. Having tangible rememberances of this pregnancy may help with the healing.

Address your spiritual needs. How does this experience impact your belief system, if at all? It might be helpful to talk with a rabbi, priest, Sister, minister, lama, imam, chaplain, or other religious guide.

Another idea to consider is creating or embracing healing rituals. A healing ritual does not have to be anchored in a religious tradition. It might be as simple as setting aside time with your partner during which you review the collected artifacts and put them somewhere special together. Many religious traditions have a deep well of resources for healing. In Judaism, the mikvah (ritual bath) provides a medium for spiritual transformation; since immersion in water is a universal symbol for cleansing and renewal, consider a swim in the ocean or a lake (weather and distance permitting) to wash away the past and welcome the future. You may want to gather with friends to create a Healing Circle.

Physical Recovery:  How to Take Care of Yourself

Realize that a miscarriage is a birth. Your body may experience the full range of postpartum processes: contractions of the uterus to return it to pre-pregnancy size (which you feel as cramping), hormonal ups and downs, postpartum depression, and, if far enough along in pregnancy, your milk may come in. Talk with a health provider (doctor, midwife, lactation consultant, acupuncturist) about alleviating specific symptoms.

Pamper your body, and ask for help from your partner and family. Wear cuddly clothes (a little "retail therapy" might assist in this department!). Take long showers or baths, if you can. Use an aromatherapy diffuser, available at most health food stores, to scent your home with uplifting essential oils like geranium and grapefruit, or relaxing and comforting scents like lavendar and Roman chamomile. Eat nutritious "comfort foods" like chicken soup. These are just ideas. You know best how to give your body TLC.

Invest in a therapeutic massage, shiatsu, or acupuncture treatment to restore balance. Consider healing modalities that work with the subtle "energies" in your body, such as osteopathic manipulation/craniosacral therapy, Reiki, and Healing Touch. Read about a self-care technique called EFT; if it speaks to you, give it a try.

Listen to your body. Do you need more rest...or more exercise? Do you need more touch...or more space? There is no right answer except what is right for you.

Gathering Information and Resources

Mothering Magazine has a number of excellent articles and resource links on Pregnancy & Birth Loss. Solitary Sadness by Wendy Ponte contains an excellent list of books and websites.

Families struggling with whether or not to end a wanted pregnancy for medical reasons may want to visit A Heartbreaking Choice.

Basic information on the causes and frequency of miscarriage, as well as helpful links to UK-based support organizations, can be found on the BBC Health website.

Jewish Families may want to read Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope: A Jewish Spiritual Companion to Infertility and Pregnancy Loss. Click here for a review.