~ How to Support Attachment Parenting: A Guide for Grandparents and OthersThere is a certain comfort in identifying with a group of like-minded folks. Yet choosing to use a label often leaves us more vulnerable to feeling or being misunderstood. Despite this, I found it easy to embrace the label of Attachment Parenting (AP) as a description of my parenting worldview. As I educated myself about Attachment Parenting immediately before and soon after the birth of my first child, I realized that most, if not all, of the parenting practices that appealed to me fell under the umbrella of AP. It was a natural fit.
When implementing AP practices during my older daughter’s infancy, I became eager to learn more about healthy psychological and social development in children. As a result, I’ve embraced more parenting adjectives than I thought possible: responsive parenting, respectful parenting, aware parenting, unconditional parenting, playful parenting, effective parenting, connection parenting, mindful parenting…any of which can be implemented to strengthen healthy attachment.
The following resources make up the Journeymama Parenting Toolbox. Much of what I want to share with you can be boiled down to a few core ideas, each packaged somewhat differently. My hope is that where your interest and curiosity is piqued, you will read and explore more. I also want to thank one of my parenting mentors, Christine Gross-Loh, author of The Diaper Free Baby, who first pointed me in the direction of much of what I have to share.
Acknowledging that babies and toddlers have a deep capacity for communicating their needs (e.g., using sign language, responding to cries as communication of unmet needs)
Preparing ourselves to spend focused, quality time connecting with our children in order to meet their needs and allow them to feel understood
Communicating respectfully with children (e.g., active listening, teaching by modeling instead of controlling, using Nonviolent Communication with children and others)
Respecting children’s basic dignity and autonomy (e.g., providing choices whenever possible, not touching their bodies when they say “no”)
Validating the range of children’s emotions (e.g., facilitating emotional release through tears rather than telling the child how to feel by saying, “You’re okay”)
Rejecting the use of punishment, especially physical punishment, but also punitive time-outs and imposition of other non-natural consequences such as withdrawal of privileges
Questioning and limiting the use of rewards, both non-verbal (prizes) and verbal (praise)
Letting go of the need to be in charge or in control (see Journeyparenting essay)
Journeymama Parenting ToolboxOverview
Since originally posting Journeymama in 2006, I've welcomed a lot of new tools to my Toolbox, so I've switched from a numbered list to a categorized list of my favorite books and websites. You can use the links below to jump to areas of interest, or read straight through the whole list.
Journeymama's Messy Tool Shed From evidence-based to "way out there," listed in this section are more resources that I have found to be at least partially useful.
Attachment Parenting
Attachment Parenting prioritizes the healthy emotional development of a child and holds that this is best achieved through close bonding (“attachment”) with primary caregivers. Attachment Parents embrace eight principles to foster strong bonds with children:
Attachment Parenting is sometimes confused with styles of parenting described as permissive, indulgent, smothering or enmeshed. Although it is true that attachment parents, like indulgent or enmeshed parents, invest significant time and energy being involved in the lives of their children, the similarity ends there. Attachment parenting entails being responsive to the needs of a child; learning limits and respecting boundaries are included in that. For Attachment Parents, there is no such thing as being too responsive to a child’s needs.
Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child by Katie Allison Granju. This was the first overview of AP that I read prior to my daughter’s birth. I picked it up recently and now found its tone a touch too strident. I prefer API's "big tent" approach, which communicates that there is more than one way to create secure attachment.
A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini and Richard Lannon is a sweeping account of human attachment and the brain written by three psychiatrists. Their discussion of animal studies conducted on body/brain chemistry during infant-mother separations strengthened my resolve to avoid any separation from my daughter during the first several months of her life.
La Leche League is an organization in harmony with AP that provides local meetings for breastfeeding support and a wealth of information on the website and in LLL books like Mothering Your Nursing Toddler.
Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Siegell and Mary Hartzell. This is a primer on attachment theory and underscores the importance of attachment for healthy cognitive and emotional development.
www.kellymom.com is a wonderful resource for attachment parents.
Transformative Approaches to Being in Relationship with Children: Theory
Naomi Aldort - Authentic Parenting
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-Child Relationships from Reaction and Struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy by psychologist Naomi Aldort teaches the SALVE method for handling potential fractures in the parent-child relationship. Aldort’s work focuses on the emotional life of children, and the many examples in the text make this an excellent companion to the UP/NVC/PET literature. I learned, for instance, that asking a child why she is crying may ultimately shut down her emotional release; better to try to observe the situation and state facts to mirror her feelings. Reading and re-reading this book leaves me feeling inspired and at peace.
Naomi also offers a website filled with articles and video clips that allow parents to further explore her message. She is a regular contributor to API Live teleseminars. Sign up for her email newsletter via her website and learn about her teleclasses, perfect for busy parents who can participate in real time after the kids are in bed or listen to the recording later. Naomi is available for paid phone counseling sessions, too. We found it helpful to speak with her to discuss some challenges of life with an older sibling and a new baby.
Heather Forbes & Bryan Post - Beyond Consequences
At the heart of the work of Forbes and Post is the Stress Model, which says that “all negative behavior arises from an unconscious, fear-based state of stress.” Read my longer review of their book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, and visit Heather Forbes' website to expore her other books, workshops, and a daily Parenting Reflections e-newsletter, which I highly recommend. Please note that while I have found Beyond Consequences to be a helpful tool, there is at least one organization on the internet that aims to discredit this work due to links with Martha Welch, the progenitor of "holding therapy," which is viewed by some as coercive. I do not practice nor endorse holding or physical containment against the will of a child except as necessary to keep children safe. The "containment" referenced in Beyond Consequences is emotional containment.
I came to Unconditional Parenting and the more academic Punished by Rewardswith an opposition to hitting children, but with what I thought was firm belief in spanking alternatives like time-outs, praise and positive reinforcement. I emerged with a new worldview – one in which children are people, worthy of respect and not of manipulation; where parents use their power with caution and love; where children do things because they want to do the right thing, not because they have been promised a goody; where having the approval of others does not form the basis of one’s self-worth. I emerged feeling more whole, more human and more alive!
If you don’t have time to read the book, there is also an Unconditional Parenting DVD available for purchase that I highly recommend. Alfie Kohn's website is also well worth a visit.
Scott Noelle - Attraction Parenting
Scott Noelle is a parenting coach and educator with the insight to reach beyond the "daily grind" of parenting toward a vison of parents and children living in peaceful partnership. (While this may sound utopian, Scott definitely understands that parenting is challenging!) He calls his model Attraction Parenting. Scott offers personal coaching services as well as the PATH Program, which is an online parenting forum that includes some private coaching time (I have yet to try either, but if I do, I'll update this review. I do know others who have found him quite helpful.). I can personally recommend his inspirational (and free!) Daily Groove newsletter. It takes just a minute or two to read each weekday and I have gained a few extraordinary insights.
Aletha Solter - Aware Parenting
Developmental psychologist Aletha Solter argues compellingly for a focus on facilitating babies' and childrens' healthy release of tension and anger through crying and raging. Both The Aware Baby and Tears and Tantrums guide parents into greater awareness of the healing power of tears. Solter considers herself an advocate for Attachment Parenting; at no time does she endorse leaving children to cry-it-out on their own, but always in the presence of a loving caregiver. The Aware Parenting Institute website is also worth a visit, and Solter offers phone and office consultations.
Transformative Approaches to Being in Relationship with Children: Practice
Judy Arnall - Discipline Without Distress
I'm still in the middle of reading Judy Arnall's Canadian bestseller Discipline Without Distress: 135 Tools for Raising Caring, Responsible Children Without Time-Out, Spanking, Punishment or Bribery
and I'm already sure that it should be in my Toolbox. With Arnall's seemingly endless practical tips and suggestions, it's a quintessential book to keep on hand, to be revisted at each developmental stage. Parenting strategies are discussed as helpful vs. unhelpful, which keeps the focus on getting desired outcomes. This is not a philosophical treatise like Kohn or Aldort. This is a how-to manual. (Not every tip will speak to everyone, and that's okay. My one gripe is that this book, Attached at the Heart and Connection Parenting all deserve to be re-published by major publishers, and as such would benefit from the rigor of super-professional copy-editing.)
Becky Bailey - Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
I cherish Becky Bailey's book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation. Most notable are the scripts for gentle but clear communication that Bailey provides for parents to use during a conflict with or among children. While I've put this one in the "practice" category because of Bailey's practical strategies and examples, her work connects the dots between theory and practice in a way that I found balanced and satisfying.
Lawrence Cohen - Playful Parenting
Play provides an avenue for profound connection with one’s child. Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen is a joyful and practical read! Cohen provides concrete strategies for connecting with kids through play, using techniques like role-reversals and “bet you can’t…”. This book is uplifting to read and powerful in its application.
Thomas Gordon - Parent Effectiveness Training
Parent Effectiveness Training(PET) by Thomas Gordon is both a book and a workshop that has been used for over thirty years. As a child of a psychologist mom and counselor dad, I grew up with “I-Messages”, “active listening,” and other concepts from Gordon’s work. As I was reading PET for my own parenting, it was thrilling for me to see the origins of these well-worn strategies. Gordon goes further than effective communication, however, tackling the use of parental power to control children. Gordon Training International offers useful resources for parents and families learning PET. Pam Leo - Connection Parenting
In Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear, Pam Leo has captured and integrated the essence of several of these tools. Though there is some significant overlap with Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and Unconditional Parenting, I still recommend her book for its myriad examples and helpful lists. As a gentle critique, I agree with a review of Connection Parenting published in New Beginnings (La Leche League’s magazine) that Leo’s pitch for out-of-the-home couple-time and personal time can be a mismatch with Attachment Parenting; there are plenty of ways to find couple time without leaving home. My husband and I have "date night" with a DVD every Saturday night.
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka - Raising Your Spirited Child
This is THE book to go to for a quick assessment of your child's temperament and its fit with yours. In Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka offers tips and strategies organized by temperamental traits. She also offers solid encouragement to parents whose kids are "more." It can be a tremendous comfort to feel that you are not alone in parenting a spirited child, and that your child's temperament is not something that you created! I tend to see "spiritedness" in every child at least some of the time, so I encourage this book as a helpful guide for all parents, not just for those with kids who are "spirited."
Paradigm-Shifting Communication
Sue Beever - Happy Kids Happy You
British author Sue Beever has written a practical guidebook for utilizing the strategies of Neuro-Linguistic Programming to communicate effectively with kids. Happy Kids Happy You: Using NLP to Bring Out the Best in Ourselves and the Children We Care For is easy to use with a clear layout that indicates how long it takes to read and practice each technique. Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a collection of strategies and ways of communicating to help people change, connecting the ways we think, speak and "program" ourselves to act. There is much to apply from NLP to parenting, and often the shifts are subtle. For example, when we see a problem behavior, instead of asking (or yelling), "What are you doing?", we can ask "What are you trying to do?" and let the answer guide us toward suggesting alternatives that are mutually acceptable. Like AP founders Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, Beever does embrace gentle discipline versions of time-out and withdrawal of priviliges, but it is possible to get a lot out of her book even if one prefers an "unconditional parenting" approach. Beever stresses staying focused on getting the results we want -- a child who feels good and who naturally cooperates with adult requests. The field of NLP itself remains outside mainstream psychology, mostly because its founders were focused more on helping people change than gaining academic imprimatur. My parents were active for several years as NLP practitioner trainers; I can personally report that NLP techniques worked for me on a number of occasions, such as overcoming a traumatic childhood memory and building confidence for advanced math tests.
This book doesn't go into any of the more advanced NLP techniques, but stays with the basics.
Suzette Haden Elgin - The Gentle Art of Communicating with Kids
In The Gentle Art of Communicating with Kids, Suzette Haden Elgin takes a fascinating look at the power of language patterns -- not only the words themselves, but the emphasis placed on the words. Highly readable and chock-full of thought-provoking sample dialogues, Elgin builds on the work of family therapy pioneer Virgina Satir to analyze and demystify different communication styles. Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish - How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Siblings Without Rivalry
I cannot rave enough about Faber & Mazlish, nor count the number of times I have referred to their books. I have excerpts fromHow to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk taped up on my bathroom door and fridge. After my second child was born and I read Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, I created my own workbook for our family using dialogues found in the book. The hallmark of Faber & Mazlish are their cartoons, which quickly and clearly demonstrate old vs. new ways of communicating. Those pressed for time to read may want to check out the abridged Audio CD of How to Talk, and those with pre-teens and up may want to explore How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
(also available as an audio CD set). The Faber & Mazlish website offers additional Q&A with the authors, workshop kits and lists upcoming workshops and lectures in some communities. A very special thanks to my friend Sam Kur for turning me on to these amazing authors!
Journeymama's Messy Tool Shed From evidence-based to "way out there," listed in this section are more resources that I have found useful.
As an Elaine Aron has developed the concept of the "highly sensitive person" (HSP) in her books and workbooks, starting withThe Highly Sensitive Personand The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them. If you or one of your loved ones is highly sensitive (sometimes unhelpfully labeled "inhibited"), these books explain this trait and offer advice for helping HSPs enjoy life in a world that undervalues and misunderstands sensitivity.
Byron Katie has written several books and has a website promoting her process of self-inquiry known as The Work. Katie's ideas dovetail with core concepts of NVC and NLP. Naomi Aldort guides parents in self-inquiry through "The Work for Parents." A good place to start is Katie's book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a strategy for releasing physical and emotional hurts through gentle tapping on a series of acupressure points. Yes, it sounds "way out there," but I have personally experienced its benefits and its applications for parenting and women's reproductive health are endless.
The brilliant work of psychoanalyst Alice Miller deserves mention here, particularly For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence. Miller's theories of how we perpetuate the errors of our parents in order to protect them and ourselves from the recognition of having been harmed are eye-opening catalysts for self-transformation.
Several progressive educational models have caught and held my attention as my older daughter moves toward kindergarten. During my hours at home with my children, I try to embrace and import Waldorf educational principles; to that end, Sharifa Oppenheimer's book Heaven on Earth: A Handbook for Parents of Young Children
has been inspiring and useful in developing "rhythms" for our days and evenings. While sending my older daughter to pre-school is working well for our family, I am intrigued by families who have chosen the path of unschooling and seek to learn more, especially as I look forward to the challenge of having both children home with me during the summers. I am also intrigued by the Sudbury Valley educational philosophy.
Reading an article in Brain, Child Magazine's Greatest Hits about Taking Children Seriously (TCS) influenced my thinking on a core level, and I'm in the process of exploring the TCS philosophy further. At first glance, TCS and its goal of all family members working to find a common preference (i.e. a win-win solution) seems to have significant overlap with PET, while its insistence on equal respect for children and adults is in harmony with much of what is offered by Aldort, Kohn, NVC, etc., and its credo of fallibility resonates with The Workof Byron Katie. My initial sense was/is that TCS adherents are comfortable as proponents of a way-of-being that is radical and could be perceived as rigid or dismissive of other worldviews, which may not work for everyone. The Taking Children Seriously website offers an intriguing list of some practical applications of TCS. I remain curious about the total package, yet confident that the core messages are worthy of integration into my parenting practice.
This is an excellent segue into a plug for Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers. While it contains varied viewpoints which often critique the very principles I hold dear, its articles are always thoughtful and well-written, and sometimes mind-boggling in their impact.
The Gesell Institute series on child development by Louise Bates Ames includes Your Two-Year-Old, Your Three-Year-Oldetc. I have found these books interesting, if a bit odd or outdated at times. They are certainly not entirely AP-friendly (spanking is condoned, for one). However, their descriptions of behavior patterns for specific ages (18 months, 21 months, etc.), based on clinical observations of children at a child study center, often help me to remember that my daughters' behaviors are developmentally appropriate. Of particular note are diagrams tracing the floor path of children at various ages; for example, I was relieved to see that it is normal for an 18-month-old to spend only a few seconds with one toy before moving on to the next.
Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) is a program of early childhood education that emphasizes respect for children’s self-determination and autonomy. Among many other concepts, RIE promotes the ideal of discerning what it is that a baby is trying to communicate with crying before jumping in to placate. My sense is that there is much to learn from the RIE approach, but there is a definite disharmony with Attachment Parenting principles in at least two areas. For one, at least one RIE class offered in New York City had a required parents-only orientation class (and since my daughter was nursing on cue at the time and did not have secondary attachments with folks who were available, I would not and could not join the class!). Second, the RIE philosophy does not encompass an attachment-parenting-friendly view of breastfeeding; nursing is valued only as a method of food delivery and parents are directed to use other methods for comforting and connecting with children. Notwithstanding these disappointments, I do believe that RIE still has much to offer.
Overall disclaimer: While many of the books and websites in the Journeymama Parenting Toolbox or Tool Shed are enjoyable page-turners with professional "polish", I admit that others remain painfully in need of copy-editing. I find it challenging to keep my focus on the core message and not become distracted or turned off by the packaging. Yet another lesson for parenting!
by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker is the new guide by the founders of API, welcoming parents to nuture their children with love and compassion. I recommend this as a wonderful first introduction to AP which also serves as a hefty evidence-based resource for experienced AP folks.
by 
by Sears, which is a great medical reference book to have for the first two years (no need to buy both).
, and visit 
, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka offers tips and strategies organized by temperamental traits. She also offers solid encouragement to parents whose kids are "more." It can be a tremendous comfort to feel that you are not alone in parenting a spirited child, and that your child's temperament is not something that you created! I tend to see "spiritedness" in every child at least some of the time, so I encourage this book as a helpful guide for all parents, not just for those with kids who are "spirited." 
is easy to use with a clear layout that indicates how long it takes to read and practice each technique. Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a collection of strategies and ways of communicating to help people change, connecting the ways we think, speak and "program" ourselves to act. There is much to apply from NLP to parenting, and often the shifts are subtle. For example, when we see a problem behavior, instead of asking (or yelling), "What are you doing?", we can ask "What are you trying to do?" and let the answer guide us toward suggesting alternatives that are mutually acceptable. Like AP founders Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, Beever does embrace gentle discipline versions of time-out and withdrawal of priviliges, but it is possible to get a lot out of her book even if one prefers an "unconditional parenting" approach. Beever stresses staying focused on getting the results we want -- a child who feels good and who naturally cooperates with adult requests. The field of NLP itself remains outside mainstream psychology, mostly because its founders were focused more on helping people change than gaining academic imprimatur. My parents were active for several years as NLP practitioner trainers; I can personally report that NLP techniques worked for me on a number of occasions, such as overcoming a traumatic childhood memory and building confidence for advanced math tests.
This book doesn't go into any of the more advanced NLP techniques, but stays with the basics.
taped up on my bathroom door and fridge. After my second child was born and I read 
(also available as an 
, Marshall B. Rosenberg sets out a simple, yet strong, framework for respectful communication between parents and children. 
and 
. Miller's theories of how we perpetuate the errors of our parents in order to protect them and ourselves from the recognition of having been harmed are eye-opening catalysts for self-transformation.
has been inspiring and useful in developing "rhythms" for our days and evenings. While sending my older daughter to pre-school is working well for our family, I am intrigued by families who have chosen the path of 