After my first pregnancy ended almost as soon as it had begun, I knew that my personal affinity for ritual would help me in my transformation from pain to healing. I share the details of the Healing Circle that my friends and I created not as a model, but as as one example among endless possibilities. My healing rituals reflect my connection with the Jewish tradition; I invite you to consider what elements of your own religious tradition or spiritual practice might be used in a Healing Circle.

Beginning: Candle Lighting

In Judaism, women and candles go together. Each Shabbat (Jewish Sabbath), women light candles for their household, often lighting one candle for each member. In honor of the life that would have been, I began my Healing Circle by lighting a small candle that would burn throughout the evening. When the candle burned itself out, I knew that a part of my healing would be complete.

Retelling

Surrounded by three of my closest friends (including two friends whose births I had attended as a doula), I began to talk about my experience. I explained that I was searching for a narrative to help me understand what had happened; I wanted something to hold on to. I was angry with my body for betraying me, and angry with God for setting me up for a fall. I invited my friends to share their thoughts.

Our brief discussion helped me to embrace a narrative that said: My baby would not have survived. My body was taking care of me by ending the pregnancy so early. Early miscarriage is a normal and natural part of human reproduction.

Then, one friend (at the time, a rabbinical student; now, a rabbi) read a poem that helped me see that a loving God was not responsible for my miscarriage and the resulting pain. Instead, God was grieving alongside me.

Prayers and Laying on of Hands

I selected the first and shortest healing prayer in the Hebrew Bible, said by Moses asking God to heal his sister, Miriam: El Na Refah Na La (in English: God, Please Heal Her). I asked my friends to place their hands on my belly and chant this prayer three times - once for each of them.

Next, I asked my friends to read an excerpt from the Jewish morning prayers service that Rabbi Haviva Ner-David applies to miscarriage in "A Life Lost Before it Began,"Jerusalem Report, 2/10/03:

Elohai, neshama she'natata bi tehora hi. Ata v'rata, ata yitzarta, ata nifachta bi. V'ata m'shamra b'kirbi v'ata atid litla mimeni v'lihachazera bi l'atid lavo.

(God, the soul that you placed in me is pure. You created it, you fashioned it, You breathed it in to me. You watch over it while it is within me, and eventually You will take it from me, and return it to me in the Time to Come...)

Healing Touch

One friend stayed longer and gave me a wonderful, healing massage with essential oils of lavender and rose. I could not think of a more healing conclusion to my Circle than receiving the gift of touch from a woman's hands.

Mikvah

Seven days after my bleeding stopped, I visited the mikvah, a ritual bath. Mikvah water is known as mayim chayim, "living waters" that confer spiritual transformation. Immersion in the mikvah following uterine bleeding signals a return to sexual availability for observant women. Mikvah night after my miscarriage was a sweet and tender reunion with my husband, the most perfect capstone to healing. To learn more about mikvah, see Jewish Journeymama.

Beginning Again: Candle Lighting

When I learned I was pregnant the second time, I placed an unlit candle on the table each Friday evening when I lit Shabbat candles to represent the life inside my belly. I knew that I would light this candle on the Shabbat after my baby arrived, whether he or she arrived in the course of another miscarriage or as a live birth. Seeing the unlit candle each week was a reminder of the preciousness of life and the promise of healing.

Those who do not observe the Jewish Sabbath could simply leave an unlit candle in a special place, ready to burn when your baby arrives.

Resources

Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope: A Jewish Spiritual Companion to Infertility and Pregnancy Loss by Rabbi Nina Beth Cardin is a tremendous resource. Click here for a review.

Talking to God by Rabbi Naomi Levy is a powerful compendium of personal prayers for numerous life events, including miscarriage.

Mayyim Hayyim offers a mikveh ceremony for healing; while not specific to pregnancy loss, it is a place to start. Please note that the blessings should be modified if you wish to conform to Orthodox Jewish law. Please email ask@journeymama.net if you have further questions.