I came to pregnancy and birth having amassed an extensive knowledge-base for the physical, psychological and emotional ins-and-outs of the process. In addition to extensive reading, I had completed training as a labor doula, served as a doula for three births, assisted at several other births as a volunteer in hospital labor & delivery, and interned at a freestanding birthing center. When it was my turn, my husband and I took our own class to prepare for childbirth.
At the time my daughter was born, I was quite ready (in as much as anyone can be ready) for the first few weeks of newborn life. I knew that barring medical crises, I would allow no separations from my baby after birth (except for personal hygiene). I knew that my priority for the first few weeks was establishing a healthy breastfeeding relationship, and I was prepared for multiple visits with a lactation consultant to realize that goal. I had high hopes for my plans to wear my baby. I knew I would be sleeping with my baby and had prepared a safe co-sleeping space. I knew I was opposed to “sleep training” or letting my baby “cry it out.”
After the euphoria of the first few hours, the dreamy exhaustion of the first few days, my daughter’s simchat bat welcoming ceremony, and the departure of my parents and best friend who came to help, I set about my next task: reading about parenting. I realized that I was still a relatively blank slate.
Although I came to my parenting journey with certain biases, most recently picked up around the margins of my journey toward gentle birth choices, other elements of my parenting style were formed long ago. These factors included using basic counseling skills, such as reflective listening, and reading non-verbal cues, natural byproducts of growing up with counselors for parents. But as my daughter grew and changed and began to interact more with her world, I knew that I needed more. Feeling at a loss, I wondered what I should read about parenting. From my undergraduate training in Women's Studies, I knew that reading with a critical/analytical lens was important, yet I wanted to be able to relax and trust that my reading would move me in a direction that matched my instincts.
First, I read about the neurological basis of attachment, and was struck by the results of animal studies demonstrating a profound biological basis for ensuring that an infant’s attachment to its primary caregiver not be disrupted. Reading about human and mammalian attachment in A General Theory of Loveand Parenting from the Inside Outsolidified my affinity for a series of parenting choices known as Attachment Parenting. I also explored some of my own psychology, firmly believing that understanding deficits in my own attachments and relationships would enable me to be a better parent. Following up on interesting tidbits of biological anthropology presented in some of these works, I read Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small, which I highly recommend.
Reading materials related to mindful parenting and Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) was useful. I talked with a close friend whose daughter attended a RIE-based mindful parenting group in another city and for whom RIE has had a profound influence. From these encounters, I learned two main things: (1) the importance of simply sitting back and observing our children as they play, rather than rushing in to play with them (which in earlier months can simply overwhelm their developing sense of agency and exploration), and (2) the overall concept of treating infants and toddlers with respect. Respect is important in every concept, including when adults must use their power to make a child do something that she doesn’t want to do (get ready to leave the home, go to bed, etc.). Respectful parenting in this context means narrating and explaining our actions to our child before, during and after the event. Surely our children deserve at least as much of our respect as our adult friends!
As my daughter grew, I became more interested in “discipline,” a word that I have always disliked, despite its dictionary meaning of “teaching.” Though I knew I did not believe in the cruelty of physical punishment (teaching someone not to hit by hitting them has never struck me as a brilliant idea), I wondered what my discipline philosophy would be. I had seen the buzzwords “positive discipline” bandied about, but I didn’t know what they meant. A cursory glance at a book named, appropriately, Positive Discipline, revealed a bias against extended nursing that set my teeth on edge, so I set off to find other sources that would not undermine my commitment to Attachment Parenting principles.
In the meantime, I began exploring my approach to praise and positive reinforcement in discussions with close friends. My friend Deena was the first to plant seeds of concern around using praise during my pregnancy. My initial response was reflexively defensive of praise and positive reinforcement; after all, both had been important in my life and in developing my self-esteem. My focus on preparing for my daughter’s birth caused me to shelve the issue. It wasn’t until I tentatively raised the issue in the context of elimination communication that I found my next and most treasured resource. Christine Gross-Loh – a close friend, author of The Diaper Free Baby, personal mentor and mother of three – said, “I assume you’ve read Alfie Kohn.” Alas, I had not.
Alfie Kohn is perhaps best known for a critique of educational theory in Punished by Rewards. But it was his book Unconditional Parenting that revolutionized my thinking. If you have time to read only one parenting book, this is the book to read. If you feel you can approach it with openness and lower your own sense of defensiveness about your parenting assumptions, it will change your life. If you don’t have more than two hours to devote to reading/learning about parenting, there is also an Unconditional Parenting DVD available for purchase that I highly recommend. Try it instead of Blockbuster one night. You may be surprised by what you and/or your partner will find useful, relevant and even entertaining!
My reading time since I encountered Unconditional Parenting has tapered off considerably, now that my daughter is a toddler. I was fortunate to read Playful Parenting, a delightful, inspiring book by Lawrence Cohen on using play therapy techniques to connect with children. Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate built a strong case for resisting the ubiquitous peer orientation of children in today’s society in favor of stronger parental attachments.
Another fascinating piece of my journey has been exploring communication with my daughter using sign language. Though we started using signs with her around age 7 months, it wasn’t until 12 months that she began to use them. By 16 months, she used around 70 signs and several words along with the signs. Signing allows me to be more responsive and tuned in than I could be without the signs, since some words that she says are unintelligible without the signs. I have come to feel strongly about the numerous benefits of using this amazing tool with babies.
On this particular branch of my journey, I have discovered a paradox about myself. I now feel a sense of closure; I am certain of where I am coming from and don’t really have much use for anything else. I don’t judge this sense of closure or equate it with closed-mindedness, anymore than I would judge someone for being closed-minded if he or she decided that physical punishment was no longer something that they wanted to practice. At the same time, I have come to this point in my journey because of a wide openness that allowed me to let in the discovery of new ways of being, thinking, and doing.
I feel grateful for this openness, and hope that it will stay with me throughout my journey. My wish for you on your parenting journey is that you find your own special blend of closure and openness.
