Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
by Marshall Rosenberg

I found this book so intense, compelling, and substantive that I had to read it twice – nothing short of a miracle in my current universe of so little time for personal reading. After my second reading, I now feel like I am beginning to “get it,” but still have a lot of work to do.

As Rosenberg writes, NVC is brings to life the philosophy of Martin Buber, who wrote about having an “I-Thou” relationship with other human beings, rather than objectifying. Each of the 4 components of NVC (observations, feelings, needs, request) are fundamental to healthy communication. What is most enlightening for me about NVC is the deep level of clarity and thought that NVC requires. The basic NVC formula for self-expression and for empathizing echoes Thomas Gordon’s “I-statements” and “reflective listening,” which are widespread in their appeal. While thinking about the needs underlying every feeling and the feelings underlying our behavior seems easy enough on the surface, NVC requires more.

The differences between what it seems like I have always known about “I-statements” and NVC are subtle but profound. First, NVC requires precision – to learn to observe without evaluating and to learn to distinguish between what we feel and how we think others feel. One example of observing without evaluating is to avoid saying, “When you eat unhealthy food, you will feel sick,” but “When you eat unhealthy food, I worry that you will feel sick.” One example of expressing what we feel rather than what we think others feel is to say, “I feel lonely,” instead of “I feel misunderstood.”

NVC requires that we take responsibility for our own feelings, differentiating between the stimulus for a feeling and the cause. No more, “When you try to hurt your sister, it makes me feel sad.” Instead: “When you try to hurt your sister, I feel heartbroken because I love both of you so much and I need our home to be a safe place.” We need to work to avoid blaming, motivating by guilt, and judging others. We need to work especially hard to use NVC when expressing our anger, remembering to offer empathy before we can expect the other person to connect with us. NVC points us toward honing our awareness of why people (children in particular) behave as we request, striving to avoid a dynamic whereby the principle motivator is obedience to authority, avoiding punishment, or fear of rejection. In this sense, NVC connects and overlaps with Unconditional Parenting and related work.

I find the implementation of NVC extremely challenging for use with my 4-year-old, who is my primary co-communicator during the day. I’ve heard other parents in my Attachment Parenting group explain that sometimes it’s too much verbiage for that age group, and when it comes to using the NVC “formula,” this seems apt. Yet NVC is much more than the “formula,” and the individual pieces (distinguishing between how we feel and how we think others feel, etc.) can be extremely useful when communicating with small children. That said, I know that adults in my life will be the primary beneficiaries for now. Better communication with my husband and my children’s grandparents will make for more peace in our home, so everyone will win. And when I model NVC for others, without blaming or insisting they “get on board,” they will come to see its benefits, as well.

As I strive to integrate this new tool, I find it taxing to think quickly on my feet, but I suspect that with practice and patience, I will improve. On the other hand, one of the advantages to NVC is that it simply slows things down, which is always a good thing in the heat of an argument. I also expect that at times I may feel too exhausted to think so much about my words, but I hope I will never give up on NVC altogether. I look forward to using what I am learning about NVC for years to come.