How to Support Attachment Parenting: A Guide for Grandparents, Friends, and Others Who Care
Your decision to begin reading this article says a lot about you. It says that you are interested in learning more about something that is vitally important to someone you love. It says that you are flexible and open to new ways of thinking. Most importantly, it says that you love your child or friends who practice Attachment Parenting with their child(ren).
What is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment Parenting prioritizes the healthy emotional development of a child and proposes that this is best achieved through close bonding (“attachment”) with primary caregivers. Attachment Parents utilize eight principles that can be used to foster strong bonds with infants:
Strive for balance in your family life, meaning that AP practices are not intended to engender resentment or anger
Attachment Parenting is sometimes confused with styles of parenting described as permissive, indulgent, smothering or enmeshed. Although it is true that attachment parents, like indulgent or enmeshed parents, invest significant time and energy being involved in the lives of their children, the similarity ends there. Attachment parenting entails being responsive to the needs of a child; learning limits and respecting boundaries are included in that. For Attachment Parents, there is no such thing as being too responsive to a child’s needs.
The Best “Advice”
Most of us love to give advice, and few of us like to get it – unless we ask for it, of course. Even so, there is one piece of failsafe parenting advice that you can give to anyone, anywhere, anytime: Trust your instincts. This is the one thing that I can say with absolute certainty to people who make different parenting choices than the ones I’ve made.
So, to support the Attachment Parents in your life, empower them by encouraging them to trust their instincts.
Considering Our Discomfort and Resentment
We may sense ourselves reacting negatively – becoming uncomfortable or angry (or both) – when faced with ideas that challenge our established beliefs.
It is completely natural to feel ill-at-ease or notice a strong sense of discomfort when faced with parenting practices that are foreign to us. When we feel discomfort, it may help to ask ourselves where the discomfort comes from. Could it be that we are, as a general rule, uncomfortable with actions that contradict social norms? In the case of parenting, when child welfare is at stake, we may fear judgment from bystanders or imagine that our own parents would disapprove. For those of us whose personal equilibrium depends, at least in part, on outside approval for our actions, parenting practices that veer outside the mainstream can easily prompt discomfort. The important thing is that we notice the discomfort, and then decide not to let it control us. It is empowering to realize that social norms change over time – and we have the ability to reject or embrace them at will. For example, sleeping with one’s children is the norm across many cultures today and was even the norm in the United States until relatively recently. Trust that your loved ones are making sound choices with the best interests of everyone’s beloved baby at heart. These choices may exist outside the mainstream, but that doesn’t make them bad or wrong.
If you notice yourself becoming angry or resentful, there may be something deeper going on. How we parent is fundamental to who we are, which is what makes conflict around parenting choices so explosive. Try some introspection. Perhaps a particular parenting choice is triggering you to feel defensive of your own parenting choices (or predicted future choices). For example: If you feel disgust when you see a three-year-old nursing, could it be that you are unconsciously wanting to justify your own decision to wean at 12 months? As obvious as this may sound, the mother’s decision to practice child-led weaning is not commentary on your parenting. Your family member or friend is simply finding her own way as a parent. Most people who practice Attachment Parenting come to it by following their instincts, rather than through a calculated adherence to a certain philosophy.
Even while you wrestle with feelings of discomfort or resentment, surely you can see that the desire to embrace Attachment Parenting stems from a loving place. Tell your child or friend that you think he is a wonderful father. If you can, provide specific examples of what you admire about his parenting. These words of encouragement are a salve to the soul of parents, especially first-timers.
Focus on the Motivation for Attachment Parenting
You don’t have to become a “convert” to Attachment Parenting to provide support for your child or friend (although that certainly wouldn’t hurt!). Most strategies for supporting an Attachment Parent can be implemented by simply practicing self-restraint when faced with the temptation to make a comment that could be perceived as criticism. Please note that the emphasis here is not whether or not the comment is intended to be critical, but whether it could be perceived as critical by the recipient.
Remember that seemingly innocent remarks may be hurtful. For example, off-handed comments about the frequency of breastfeeding (e.g., “There’s no way he can be hungry – he just ate!” or “He’s using you as a pacifier”) can undermine the developing confidence of a new nursing mother and increase her anxiety level in your presence. Instead, try focusing on her motivations: “This baby is so lucky to have such a loving mommy.”
Realize that parenting is an emotional minefield even without the sleep deprivation and hormonal rollercoaster that comes along with the first 1-2 years! Tread lightly, and if you sense resentment in response to a comment or action on your part, try your best to repair the relationship and learn for next time.
Above all, remember the motivation that the parents have for practicing Attachment Parenting. They are not doing this because it is easier for them (although, in the long run, it is easier to invest time and energy to establish healthy, strong attachments from the beginning). They are certainly not doing it to make you miserable or uncomfortable. They are practicing Attachment Parenting because they love their child(ren) and want them to grow up happy, strong and self-sufficient...all the things that you would surely want for them.
Offer AP-Friendly Help
If you are in a position to help, you may find that your genuine offers to babysit are met with awkward refusals. Realize that parents practicing Attachment Parenting are unlikely to choose to leave their babies, toddlers, or preschoolers in the care of anyone else until they feel ready to do so. You can invite them to let you know when they feel ready to take this step. Better yet, offer to come spend time with the baby while the parents are around, allowing them to nap, shower or work on projects that can’t be easily completed while baby is awake. Or offer to cook meals, help out with laundry, shopping or cleaning. If you don’t live nearby, you can cook and freeze food during a visit, pay for take-out or a meal preparation service, or help pay for a laundry service, cleaning professional, or parent’s helper. These gifts may mean more to the baby’s parents than typical baby gifts, since having help with household tasks frees up more time to focus on strengthening the baby-parent bond without a large to-do list looming.
Be Separation-Savvy
Events that do not welcome children pose special challenges for AP families who do not practice separation from their children. More often than not, AP families will simply choose not to attend religious services, weddings, bachelorette parties, elegant evening dinner parties, seminars, etc., that do not welcome children. Other times, depending on the age of their child(ren), Attachment Parents will ask for special accommodation or “shoot first, ask questions later” and bring a child sleeping in a stroller or an infant in a sling. If you are planning an event, know that the non-attendance of AP families (especially families with breastfeeding members) will be the likely result of a decision to exclude children. You should also know that providing group childcare with a stranger is often not an acceptable option for AP families, so plan accordingly. Be understanding if the AP family chooses not to attend or to send one parent as a “representative” of their family.
It has also become de rigueur to encourage parents to have a regular “date night,” and to encourage each parent to have time for him or herself outside the home (going to the gym, yoga, or another class, for instance). While the impulses here are certainly admirable, these outings are often impossible for AP parents to undertake, especially in the first year or two. Instead of encouraging date night or “time for yourself” away from home, suggest that the parents make special dates at home after the baby is asleep. Couples can enjoy a gourmet take-out dinner by candlelight followed by a rented movie (and perhaps some romance!) while the baby sleeps. Time for oneself can be taken at home, too – time for reading, writing in a journal, web-surfing, taking a relaxing shower or aromatherapy bath. Many massage therapists with private practices make home visits, as well. All of the above is best facilitated by offering AP-friendly help (see above).
The time when children’s attachment needs are so intensive is relatively fleeting; there will be ample time to go to the movies later in life.
Empower Yourself with Information
Try to educate yourself before forming judgments of practices that may seem unusual. Read The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. William and Martha Sears for a well-documented, highly-readable overview. Remember to keep things in perspective. With respect to sharing sleep, for example, remember that millions of fully-functioning, independent adults around the world were raised sleeping in a family bed. Ponder the irony in taking it for granted that grown-ups like to sleep with a partner while tiny children are expected to sleep alone. As you learn more, seek out articles, websites, and books that explore and/or support Attachment Parenting and give them to the parents. For example, in the sleep domain, you could provide new parents with 10 Steps for Safe Co-Sleeping.
Avoid the Temptation to Compare
Avoid comparisons between the baby and siblings, cousins, and friends that put the baby in a negative light. Make the comparison in your head (we all do it!), but remind yourself that each child is different, with special needs and sensitivities and a unique temperament all his own. Grandparents, this includes comparing the new baby to your child (“You never had so much trouble going to sleep!”) Instead, comment on the baby’s unique qualities or the parents’ creativity in responding to her needs (“I love the way she wants to share her food with the dog; she seems to have a generous personality!”).
You don’t have to mold yourself into a carbon copy of the child’s parents. You need to be yourself. At the same time, for the sake of your relationship with the parents and their child, try to remain open-minded, recall the parents’ loving motivations, and voice your support for Attachment Parenting techniques whenever it feels authentic…or perhaps even when it feels like a bit of a stretch. The end result will be an enrichment of your relationship that will pay dividends for years to come.
A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini and Richard Lannon is a sweeping account of human attachment and the brain written by three psychiatrists. Their discussion of animal studies conducted on body/brain chemistry during infant-mother separations strengthened my resolve to avoid any separation from my daughter during the first several months of her life.
Attachment Parenting International supports AP across the globe with local chapters and email listserves. I have enjoyed participating with API in New York City and Greater Boston, and highly recommend it as a way to connect with other like-minded parents.
La Leche League is an organization in harmony with AP that provides local meetings for breastfeeding support and a wealth of information on the website and in LLL books like Mothering Your Nursing Toddler.
Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Siegell and Mary Hartzell. This is a primer on attachment theory and underscores the importance of attachment for healthy cognitive and emotional development.
