Supporting a partner, friend or loved one through the ending of a wanted pregnancy does not always come naturally.  Death makes most of us uncomfortable, and fetal death is no exception, especially with our confusion over the personhood of the fetus in the political realm.  Regardless of our feelings about abortion, when a wanted pregnancy ends, a loss has occurred, and a woman (and her partner, as well) needs to be supported through a grieiving process.

What to Say

Stay simple, direct and in the present: 

“I'm so sorry."

"I am sorry for your loss.” 

You can invite her to tell you how she’s feeling: 

"How are you feeling about it now?"

“I'm so sorry for all that you’ve been going through – how have you been coping?”

Remind her of your support:

"I'm here for you."

"Anytime you want to talk, please call me."

If you've had a miscarriage yourself, tell her your story. It helps to hear that others have been through it, especially since it's so often not discussed. No one says, "How many children do you have? And how many miscarriages?" As you tell your story, be careful not to assume that her experience matches yours. For example, while some people find comfort in thinking of a miscarriage as "nature's way" of preventing a problem pregnancy from continuing, this is not universally true. Sometimes, it feels more appropriate to mourn and move on without

Avoid the following:

"You're young - you will have other children!"

"At least you know you can get pregnant."

"Thank goodness you already have two wonderful children."

"I know just how you feel."

"It'll be okay."

What to Do

Partners

Your loved one need support from you more than anyone else. Encourage her to take time for herself. Support her efforts to heal emotionally through talking about the miscarriage, collecting memories, pampering herself and creating healing rituals. Support her efforts to heal physically through scaling back her activity and stress levels, eating nutritious foods, and getting more sleep. Help her pamper herself. Arrange for help with childcare or housework so that she has this time available.

You may feel uncomfortable, at first, when your partner shares details of this experience outside close family and friends. Trust that telling her story and connecting with other women who have been through similar ordeals may be a critical part of her healing process.

This miscarriage has affected you, too, even if the pregnancy was not taking place inside your body. Do what you can to take care of your own emotional needs so that you can be available to support your partner. Talk with friends and family, especially partners of women who have had miscarriages. Talk with clergy or a counselor. Give yourself space and time to release feelings. Treat yourself with the same gentle love that you want to give to your partner.

Friends and Extended Family

Listen. Ask if you could bring over dinner for her family one night. Bake her cookies. Leave flowers on her doorstep. If she has other children, offer to help with childcare. Ask if she wants to go on a special "date" (dinner, walk, beach, hiking, movie). Buy her a gift certificate for a massage. Ask her if she would be interested in creating a Healing Circle. Find a book or article on miscarriage that you think she might want to read. Pray for her healing and comfort, if that's something you do.

Most important, call her. Keep calling her. Leave messages. Send email. Even if you don't hear back, call again and leave a message letting her know that you're thinking of her. She will be grateful for your care and concern, as well as for your understanding and patience.